A Purple Heart

A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to
stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old
spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in
letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to
the front door.

His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him.
"Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he
answers.

The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there?
Does he look decent?" they ask.

Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on."

The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is...
let him in!"

Beep – beep

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

Nature of Hell

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:

#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

GOD IS ALWAYS WITH YOU

One night, I had a dream. I was walking along the beach with God and across the skies flashed scenes from my life. In each scene, I noticed two set of footprint in the sands, and to my surprise, I noticed that along the path of my life there was only one sets of footprint, and I noticed that it was the lowest and saddest time in my life. I asked God about it, “God you said once, I decided to follow you; you will walk with me all the way. However, I noticed that during the most troublesome time in my life, there was only one set of footprint. I do not understand why you left my side when I needed you most”. God said, “My precious child, I never left you during your time of trial. Where you see only one set of footprint, I was carrying you”.

A WORLD – WIDE SURVEY

A Survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was………

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The Survey was a huge failure because……….

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” means.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t what the word “honest” means.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” means.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” means.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” means.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” means.

In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” means.

Have a Great Day!

A Survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was………

“Would you please give your honest opinion about solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The Survey was a huge failure because……….

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” means.

In Eastern Europe they didn’t what the word “honest” means.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” means.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” means.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” means.

In South America they didn’t know what “please” means.

In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” means.

Have a Great Day!

MINDLESS THOUGHTS

Practice makes a person perfect – but nobody is perfect………

So why to practice????

• If its true that we are here to help others……

Then what exactly are others here for????

• Since light travels faster than sound…….

Similarly people appear bright till the time you hear them speak.

• Money is not everything

There is MasterCard and Visa.

• Love the neighbor…..

But don’t get caught.

• Behind every successful man there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man there are ‘two women’

• Every man should marry……

After all, happiness is not only thing in life.

• The wise never marry……

And those who marry may become otherwise.

• Love is photogenic……

It needs darkness to develop

• Your future depends on your dreams….

So go and sleep.

• Hard work never kills anybody…..

But why take risk????

• Work fascinates me…..

I can look at it for hours!!!

• A dress is a like barbed fence

It protects the premises without restricting the view

• The more you learn, the more you know

The more you know the more you forget

The more you forget the less you know

So why you learn???

MANAGEMNT SKILLS

Once P.V. Narasimha Rao, L.K. Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were traveling in an autorikshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death. He asks P.V. and Advani to go to Heaven. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to Hell. Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused Public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be formal tests or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should bot just be based on opinion or preconceived notions. Yama agrees to this and asks all three of them to appear for an English test. P.V. is asked spell “INDIA” and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell “ENGLAND” and he to passes the test. It is Laloo’s turn and he is asked to spell “CZECHOSLOVAKIA”. Laloo protest that he does not know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent. Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of History (which other two weren’t), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that we would not allow any more tests. P.V. is asked : “ When did India get Independence?” He replied “1947” and passed. Advani is asked “ How many people died during the independence struggle?” He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose form three options : 100,00 or 200,000 or 300,000. Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes. It’s Laloo’s turn now. Yama asks him the name and address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to hell.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If yu management has decided to screw you, there is no escape.