Comdedy Video
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
The Walking Riddle
What has 4 legs at morning, 2 legs at noon and 3 legs at night?
Ans : Humans (stages of life... Crawl, Walk, and Cane)
Private Secretary
Police was investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 9th-story office.
Nancy, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Nancy said, "I received a raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.'
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for just 500 bucks, although I was charging all the other guys in the office one thousand. That's when he jumped out the window."
Laloo becomes a model
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.
Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbow on the back of the cattle he poses for a photograph. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper.
GUESS THE CAPTION !!
"Laloo, third from left!"
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Suicide Bomber
Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy's camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?
Boss: Wait for more.
Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don't worry about your family, we will look after.
Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
Fishing
Santa was walking through Rose Garden and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said Santa to himself.
"What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So he walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishing, sir."
"Fishing, well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of Scotch, snacks and a fine cigar.
Santa felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"
A real hurry
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year- old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
Then, without pausing, he downs each one.
"Whew," the bartender remarks, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be, too, if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asks.
"Fifty cents."
Monday, March 26, 2007
Laloo Vs Gates
Bill Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates : Have you installed Windows at home?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house. Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION ? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased moquito problems many people are sleeping under the net. Gates: By the year 2002 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Sweating Heavily): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P.
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave. Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."
Again this company!
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pickpocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers.
In your opinion, should I, or shouldn t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
A real hurry
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year- old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.
Then, without pausing, he downs each one.
"Whew," the bartender remarks, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be, too, if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asks.
"Fifty cents."
YouTube blocks hottie's sex video
Sau, Paulo, Brazil: Video sharing Web site YouTube is blocking steamy footage showing supermodel Daniela Cicarelli in intimate scenes with her boyfriend, the company said a day after a judge ordered it to find a way to stop Brazilian viewers from seeing the video.
''The video in question was removed from YouTube because it violated our terms of use,'' YouTube said on Friday in a statement attributed to spokeswoman Jaime Schopflin. ''It was recently uploaded again and we became aware of it through media reports and users flagging the content, and we removed these copies immediately.''
YouTube's announcement came after court officials said on Thursday that the judge issued the injunction requiring the company to prevent Brazilian Internet users accessing the wildly popular video showing Cicarelli and Brazilian banker Renato Malzoni making out along a beach near the Spanish city of Cadiz.
The two sued YouTube in September and won an injunction for the removal of the video, but Sao Paulo state Supreme Court Justice Enio Santarelli Zuliani expanded his order this week after the clip continued to appear periodically, the court's press office said.
Cicarelli, one of the country's best-known models, hosts a show on Brazilian MTV and was previously engaged to soccer great Ronaldo, who plays for Spain's famous Real Madrid team. Two Brazilian sites that ran the video complied with the original order, but Malzoni went back to court after it kept appearing on YouTube, owned by Google Inc.
Though the lawyer for Malzoni complained that YouTube's system for blocking videos was inadequate because people kept loading the video to the site under different names, the company said it has mounted a strong effort to block the video and other offensive content amid skyrocketing site growth.
''We have over 65,000 videos uploaded to YouTube every day and our community effectively polices the site and flags inappropriate videos to be reviewed,'' Schopflin said in the statement. ''We have people reviewing flagged content 24 hours a day, seven days a week and work hard to streamline the notification process by providing tools for people to alert us.''
Zuliani is a judge in Brazil's most populous state of Sao Paulo, where Internet use is heaviest, but has the power to issue an order affecting all of Brazil, the court's press office said.
YouTube said the company ''is under the jurisdiction of the US legal system, however we reach a global audience and strive to provide a community where people from around the world can share videos in a safe and lawful manner.''
The case now goes automatically to a three-member panel of judges who will decide whether to make the order permanent and whether to fine YouTube as much as US$119,000 for each day the video was viewable, said Rubens Decousseau Tilkian. He represented both Cicarelli and Malzoni in the first case, but Malzoni pursued the second case without Ciarelli as plaintiff.
The case is not YouTube's first brush with litigation, although prior disputes have often been over copyright. In July, independent news reporter Robert Tur sued YouTube in US District Court in Los Angeles, claiming footage of his was posted and circulated without his permission.
YouTube also deleted nearly 30,000 files after a Japanese entertainment trade group complained, and through negotiations with leading US copyright holders agreed to deploy an audio-signature technology that can spot specific clips.
When it bought YouTube in November, Google set aside shares now worth about US$220 million as a financial cushion to cover losses or possible legal bills for the frequent copyright violations on the site.
Meanwhile, Google last September appealed a Brazilian judge's order to turn over information on users of the company's Orkut social-networking service.
Google insisted it already had complied with court requests to identify individuals accused of using Orkut to spread child pornography and engage in hate speech against blacks, Jews and homosexuals.
The company has said it is open to data requests from foreign governments as long as they comply with US laws and are issued within the country in which the information is stored.
Friday, March 23, 2007
One for cricket fans
A woman goes to the police station and complains that she has been raped by an Indian batsman.
The policeman askes how she knew he was Indian.
She replies, "Well, he wasn`t in for very long" ! (Ha, ha !)
Confession?
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin mate, there`s no toiletpaper in this one either."
Police officer
A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
Officer, "May I see your licence?
Lady, "What does it look like?"
Officer, "Its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it."
The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Dogs Don't Understand
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.
Tongue Twister
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!
Good Morning
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied, "Breakfast."
Nude Running
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
ardars MBA preparation..LOGIC
Santa singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his non-sardar friends came home.
Friend: Santa singhji How is your MBA preparation?
Santa Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Friend: Logic is very easy.
Santa singh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Santa: YES.
Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Santa: YES.
Friend: so, logically, you are married.
Santa: YES.
Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.
Santa singh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Banta singh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Santa: How is your MBA preparation?
Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.
Santa: Oh, logic is easy.
Banta: Pleaseeee, give me an example.
Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Banta: NO, I don't.
Santa: saala!!! HOMO!!!
Hangover
It was the morning after, and he sat groaning and holding his head.
"Well, if you hadn`t drunk so much last night you wouldn`t feel so bad now," the wife said tartly.
"My drinking had nothing to do with it," he answered. "I went to bed feeling wonderful and woke up feeling awful. It was the sleep that did it!"
Mahabharat questioned (Hindu mythology)
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching
the Mahabharat katha to class 6 students.
He is at the 'krishnajanma' part of it.
Masterji: "Kansa heard the Akashwani that his sister's
8th child is going to kill him. Kansa furious then ordered
to put Vasudev and Devki behind the bars. When the first son is
born, Kansa kills him by poisoning... second child is born and
Kansa throws him off the mountain peak...third child is born..."
Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand.
Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous and confused)
Masterji: "Ramu bete, whole India does not have
doubt in mahabharata then how come you have one?"
Ramu : Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th
child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE
PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?
Masterji fainted.........................
Relationship between eyes
Do you know the relationship between two eyes..?
They blink together,
They move together,
They cry together,
They see things together and
They sleep together
But they never see each other.. That's what is true friendship !!
But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye blinks and the other remains open.....
Moral of the story : Girls can break even the best of friendships !!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
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Sunday, March 11, 2007
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Thursday, March 8, 2007
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Sign on a repair shop door
We can repair anything.
(Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Whats the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
Junk mail
Two teachers at my high school started a practical joke war that culminated in a junk mail war of huge proportions. They finally called a truce and got it cleared up and the mail stopped, EXCEPT for the military mail that one had signed the other one up for. He wrote (honestly) that he had graduated from a fine college and was interested in the Marines, Air Force, etc. etc.
When I left, about two years after this, he was still getting PHONE CALLS from 2-4 times a month.... they were VERY persistant even over he (loud) objections that he was 45 and not interested in a career change...
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Soft and Hard
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
The Hunting Dog
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
You've been programming too long when
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
Archaeologists
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
Friday, March 2, 2007
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Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
So Old
Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.
Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.
Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.
Wisdom Quotes
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
- Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
- Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
- Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
- Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
- W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
- Samuel Palmer
My Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Taking A Tinkle
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
Revenge
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"
Did God Make You?
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
Sparrow
Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.
A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
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